I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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