Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
