eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
