Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
