yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
false alarm. still invincible.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
