he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This is classic penis vs brain.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize