I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
