I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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