dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
