She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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