When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
