You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
