I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
