Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize