I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
