i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you had me at cake vodka
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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