i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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