remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
