I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
