Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
