I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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