My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A+ Viking dick
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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