Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
