Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Randomize
