So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
