I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
