I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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