smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
