I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
