My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
