I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
