I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
