I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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