Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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