we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I supernannyed him into submission
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
