So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
