I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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