I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
