I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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