holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Randomize
