i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
