u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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