Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
