Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
