We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize