the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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