My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
