When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize