do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
