I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
