Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Your cock deserves a montage
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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