So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
