My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
not ubering you a puppy
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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