Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
