apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
