Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
