Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
