yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
