So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
BRING THE BAGELS
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize