I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
