I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
