Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you had me at cake vodka
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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