the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
