For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We smell like vodka and hangover
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