you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
